You’re dying to know if you’re compatible with him because you already feel attracted to him and you’re through with serial dating relationships.
So, great! You’ve got a date. The way to talk with someone absolutely varies based on the setting in which you’re meeting. Light and airy at the baseball park.
Time to savor the repartee at a coffee shop but that “savoring” will vary depending on whether you’re meeting for a morning cup of joe or a post-movie-let’s-stay-caffeinated shot of espresso. Going out to a pricey romantic dinner with a quiet corner booth?
Then that setting might allow you to talk about things safely because they can be protected as you connect with one another in that booth.
So, Step 1: Tailor your talk to match the setting.
Step 2: Ask OPEN-ended questions, never ones that yield yes or no answers.
Those can kill the flow on a first date (and later, too)! I’m a psychologist, so I genuinely love to ask people about their families. “Tell me about your family” can be a great opener ONCE there’s an inroad. So, if your date says, “Yeah, my brother and I have tickets to see the Red Sox,” you’ve got TWO things to explore: sibling(s) and baseball. Careful not to pry or re-ask a personal question when your date chooses not to be forthcoming. Each of us has different needs for privacy and honoring your date’s needs is important.
Step 3: Use your best, most sincere attention-paying skills if you’re appreciating what is being shared and keep yourself light (vs. heavy or too serious) in response to what you are hearing.
If you learn something very serious and important, maybe you’ll naturally respond in just the right way. But maybe, later, you can muse aloud about the depth of what he revealed and ask more about what that (experience, person, change) was like for him. Check in with him about whether he wants to say more. If not, respect his privacy again.
Step 4: If you’re a books, music, movies person try wondering aloud about his favorite author, director or band.
There’s so much to learn about a person based on how he shares things about himself. When you’re “wondering aloud,” DO NOT pretend to be someone who’s in to something because you think you’ll make your date like you more. When you look at your potential compatibility with a person you have to be yourself. Stand on your own. Be real. Be grounded. The same goes for what you want to see in him.
Step 5: Instead of feeling like you’re driving the boat, mentally switch positions and think about water-skiing in the wake of topics he brings up.
They’ll be waves and maybe accelerations and turns. Heck, maybe even a wipe-out, but hang on! Stay calm. The way your date turns back around to make sure you’re on the same journey (or FAILS to reach out to you) is all the information you need to decide whether Date # 2 is going on the calendar.
Dr. Annie Ready Coffey – www.replenishmentandchange.com
He Says “I Love You”… But does he really mean it?
This 7 question quiz tells you if your man truly loves you or if he is just using you…
If you Google “Questions to ask on a first date”, 308,000,000 results are listed within .64 seconds. The fact that there are over 3 million ideas for first date conversation suggests there is no ‘one size fits all’ script.
Let’s face it, first dates can be supremely awkward.
Or a great opportunity.
We often know immediately if we are attracted to our date, thanks to pheromones and other dimensions of chemistry.
Conversation is the other important variable in addition to chemistry that will either make or break the date.
While the conversation ought not be scripted, here are some general guidelines.
Now is not the time to be Chatty Cathy. Think of the conversation as a game of catch, where the players toss the ball back and forth. Each of you takes a turn. Another way to think of it is that you each have 50% of the responsibility for the pace and direction of the conversation.
Listening is an important communication skill, and one that is often lacking – especially if we fear awkward silences. In general, though, people like to talk about themselves. So, after you ask a question or make a remark, take a breath and listen. Smile. Show interest.
2. Avoid TMI:
Revealing too much, too soon can be overwhelming for the listener and may convey a false sense of intimacy. Getting to know someone is a process that occurs over time. Too much information too soon may reflect self centeredness or boundary problems. Slow it down. Allow mystery to unravel. (Unless of course you spot an automatic deal breaker)
3. Be yourself:
Don’t try too hard to impress your date. You can only influence to a certain degree how you are being perceived. When we try to be someone we are not, the relationship is destined to be artificial, unsatisfying, and short lived.
4. Remember there really are other fish in the sea:
No first (or second or third…) date is a make- it-or-break-it deal. He is not the only man left on the planet. If there is no ‘love connection’, that is fine. Consider it practice, a form of skill building for future dating experiences.
Keep in mind that while you want to make your best impression, evaluate if you even like the guy and want a second date with him!
Dr. Elayne Daniels – www.drelaynedaniels.com
I went straight to the source for the answer to this question.
The following advice comes directly from my male friends.
Don’t fake it or force it—artificial intimacy doesn’t make a man feel compelled to come back for a second date.
Just be authentically you. Share your opinions, your likes and dislikes. You can broach controversial subjects to get a sense of his ideologies, but make sure you maintain a lighthearted sense of humor while on these topics. If you feel comfortable with the guy and want a real connection, go ahead and open up about your inner world and the things you think about on a day to day basis.
At the same time, show genuine interest in him by exploring his interests and passions, his hopes and dreams. “Most guys, if you give them half a chance to talk about their interests, will talk your ear off. The challenge might be to get a word in edgewise.”
Keep in mind that this is an experience, not an interview.
Try to relax and enjoy yourself. Even if you’re with someone who is quiet and reticent, you can gently draw him out. Sharing what you like to do on the weekend may be enough to “launch” him. “As long as I see she is having a good time, I will start talking and open up.”
“To me, the most compelling conversations are driven by a genuine desire to find out what makes someone tick. So I think in general, asking a guy what’s important to him, and actually listening to the answer would be a good start. Other topics that can be fun include things in the news, or the last good book he read or film he saw.”
Ask him where he’s been in the world, and, if he could go anywhere, where would that be?
What’s on his bucket list? What’s his favorite album / color / restaurant in town / type of food / sports team. Remember, if the date is going well these types of questions can naturally lead into a second date (e.g., “Oh, your favorite restaurant is X? I’ve never been there-we should go sometime!”)
In summary, be authentic, have fun, and don’t sell yourself short.
Men appreciate spending time with someone who is relaxed, self-confident, and enjoying herself.
Dr. Loral Lee Portenier, www.sacreddreamscoaching.com
What are some relevant questions to ask a potential relationship partner on your first few dates?
You’re interested in the types of questions that give you general information as well as information about character, interests and personal philosophy.
Your questions should show curiosity so you can probe a little, but not too much intrusion that the other person feels uncomfortable. What you want to do is ask open-ended, fact-finding questions — exploring in an innocuous way to learn about their character/values, interests and even their pet-peeves. This will help you make a more educated decision about whether this date is potential partner material.
Here are a few questions you can use to start you off:
1. What kind of work do you do? Tell me what you like about it. This is an open ended, fact finding question that works well to open a conversation.
2. How long have you been single? What do you like about being single? This will give you some information about his character, as the way he answers will indicate his confidence and security.
3. What kind of things do you like to do in your leisure? What are you really good at? You can find out if you share interests and if you are willing to learn more about what he likes to do.
4. What do you like to do on vacations? Do you enjoy traveling? Where do you like to go? Again, this opens up a conversation about his interests and how much you have in common.
5. What are the kinds of things that make you laugh? This will uncover his sense of humor and give you insights about character.
6. What are some of your pet peeves? If you find out what things tick him off, you understand his tolerance and frustration levels – another good sign about his character.
7. Tell me about your family, where you grew up, your best friends. This statement just allows you to get a feel about relationships, importance of family and past history.
What kinds of questions should you avoid when you first start dating?
Any question that puts someone on the spot, causing an awkward moment or silence is a no-no. Therefore, don’t ask anything you would feel uncomfortable answering. Always be respectful and please listen, more than you talk.
If the conversations flow easily, if you feel comfortable and if you feel you want to know more about this person, you are on the right track to finding a potential relationship partner – who just may be Mr. Right!
Amy Sherman, M.A., LMHC – www.bummedoutboomer.com
For heterosexual women, dating can be more than just a challenge, it can be dangerous.
Seriously, the statistics tell us that more women are killed in their homes, by boyfriends or husbands than by strangers. Rape is rampant on college campuses. Not to lead with fear, but hopefully with caution; before a woman dates she should know how to take care of herself. Before you interview your date, you should interview yourself.
So here are 3 questions for you:
1. Do you value yourself more than you value your future relationship?
2. Do you know how to make sure you are not in a vulnerable place when you ﬁrst meet?
3. Do you really know what you want and expect in and from a relationship? Do you know how to read non-verbals as well as verbals? This means trusting your gut!
Now, here are some questions you might ask of your date:
1. What is your construct of relationship? Are you expecting traditional gender roles to be played out? What do you think of shared household responsibilities? (Studies show that peer-relationships, those in which responsibilities are shared, are the happiest.)
2. Do you have any religious beliefs around relationships?
3. Ask him about his goals for the future, and what is his passion?
Tip: Observe how your date treats the waitstaff when you are out, how he treats people in general is how he will treat you eventually.
Again, trust your gut, it knows you and what is good for you.
If you need more wisdom than what is provided here, I strongly recommend the book Calling In “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, by Katharine Woodward Thomas. She provides guidance to love yourself and believe that you deserve the best.
Theresa J. Crawford, MA – www.crawfordtherapy.com
First-date interviews don’t always have the same variables.
If you meet someone on line, you are starting with a complete unknown. That’s very different from a Facebook inquiry from an old boyfriend or being fixed up by people you know and trust. How much you know about someone before you meet them sets the stage for what you might expect and vice versa.
However you begin that evening, there are some crucial preparations that will have an absolute positive effect on your face-to-face interaction no matter how you set things up to begin with.
1. Make sure you are feeling at your best.
Eat, love, and pray before the meeting. Don’t be hungry, sexually, emotionally, or physically. Hang out with people who love and treasure you before you hand yourself out to dry with someone who may not be able to value you instantly. Go inward and reflect on prior relationships, where and how they’ve worked or not, what you’ve learned, and what you’re looking for.
2. No one likes a conqueror or a missionary.
When meeting someone new, go in as an emotional anthropologist. That “culture” existed before you visited it and will possible go on after you leave it. It is not your right to come in with an “altering wand” before you are invited to do so. You want to learn as much as you can about the person you’re with without violating boundaries or staying within your absolute comfort zone. If you are truly interested, without a pre-written agenda, your date will experience your authentic curiosity without feeling violated.
3. Pretend that you are “vetting” this person for someone you love.
That would be wonderful if that person were actually you, but many people do better when they think of how they would protect someone they treasure.
4. Ask yourself how you would conduct a meeting with a new person if you only had that time with him or her and might never see them again.
How would you like them to feel about the time they spent with you? Leaving a mark that is the best representation of your most valuable self will allow you to feel good about the meeting even if it the last.
With those attitudes in mind, next understand that more than three questions in a row start to make any one uncomfortable. So do too many compliments. New interactions are very much like dancing with someone for the first time. There has to be a rhythm both can endure. Your conversations should be gentle, thoughtful, and easy in exchange.
Here are a few examples of conversation statements that make most people feel comfortable and will help you to know who you are on the other end of:
Initial Revelation: “However we’ve come together, I always think of these new connections as opportunities to experience an adventure. I’m looking forward to getting to know you, and I’m a little nervous. How are you?
Interest: “How did you come to choose me? I’d love to know more about you and what your expectations are of relationships. I’m not prying or need to know details unless you’re comfortable sharing them, only where you are now in your life and what your dreams are for the future.
Your next revelation (depending on how things are going so far): “I’m in a good place right now. I’ve learned some about who I am and what kinds of situations I thrive in and I’m not in a hurry to connect, unless it’s the right person. I know that the past doesn’t ever have to predict the future and I’m so open to learning more about when and how relationships work and when they don’t. “
Boundaries: “There is one thing that I do know about myself that I think it’s important to share with you. I know that people can’t always make their lives go the way they want them to, but I want to be with someone who doesn’t feel angry, resentful, or ripped off by relationships in their pasts. I know I don’t do well when I have to make up for someone else’s disappointments. I want to be with someone who is ready to start over and write a new script with me.”
Knowing you are before you meet someone, how to approach a new person, and how to treasure the lessons about to be learned, will ensure that first date will give you the information you need to proceed or abort.
Dr. Randi Gunther, www.randigunther.com
Everyone has first date jitters.
There are few situations we willingly put ourselves into that can feel so out of control. It’s normal to try to alleviate our anxiety by gathering as much information as quickly as possible about this stranger sitting across the bar from us. Many of my clients compare dating to going to the dentist. No one looks forward to the discomfort. But, it’s an ends to a mean. However, I believe dating can be a journey you can learn to love.
Instead of interrogating, or even interviewing your date, you can learn a lot about someone and yourself while having fun! Follow these tips for fabulous first dates!
1. Know ahead of time what your top 3 must haves are.
These are the top 3 qualities in a future mate that you cannot live without. Also know your top 3 deal breakers. These are the things that you can never compromise on. Some of these qualities will be apparent right away. Some of them will become obvious quickly. If any of your deal breakers show up on the first date, you don’t have to go out again. But, the idea is to have fun figuring out the answers along the way.
2. Successful relationships are about give and take.
As a single woman, we get used to thinking about ourselves. If you are nervous before a date, the most important thing to remember is to get out of your own head, and try to make your date feel comfortable. Of course we must pay attention to our feelings and our safety. But when your insecurities and anxiety are triggered unnecessarily, muster your compassion, and remember that everyone feels nervous on a first date. Treat your date how you would want to be treated. Show interest, kindness, and warmth.
3. The idea is to have fun.
Instead of drilling someone right away about their future goals and how many kids they want, try keeping it light. Great topics to discuss on first dates are favorite travel stories, favorite food, best movies you have seen recently, or favorite bands. Touching on subjects like these usually will get the conversation going in a really natural and positive way. Remember the goal of a first date is just to see if you want to go out with the person again, not to figure out your wedding date. Unless the person repulses you, usually you can give them another shot.
Dating is an art that you can learn to cultivate.
Remember to stay calm, take deep breaths, laugh a lot, open up about your passions, and find something you can learn and something you can teach this human being sharing this moment of your journey with you.
Alisa Ruby Bash, LMFT – www.alisarubybash.com
The process of getting to know one another takes time and cannot be accomplished quickly by having long talks and asking a lot of questions.
It doesn’t work because when we ask questions, the answers we get are reflections of how people see themselves not how they actually are.
Just enjoy the process rather than looking at an end goal of finding a suitable mate.
Begin by looking at your date as nothing more than a potential new friend. That is it! When we think of a person as a potential relationship it brings far more pressure and expectations to the process plus it prevents you from seeing the real person.
There is a reason the adage, be friends before being lovers, was created. The process of seeing all people as friends helps us to have a solid foundation for a future relationship rather than being built on infatuation. As friends there are no rose colored glasses that skew whom the person actually is, whereas if it is a mate interview, the filters are much different.
So instead of deciding if this is the one, discuss experiences, make jokes, laugh, have fun.
At the end of the evening your intuition will tell you if it should go farther, if the person should be a friend, or better left alone altogether. Listen with your intuition not your ears.
Cynthia Pickett, LCSW, LADC – www.cynthiapickett.com
We all have been there, waiting patiently for THEE call, text, email, or inbox message on Facebook confirming “THE DATE”; And at that moment of “CONFIRMATION”, a million and one thoughts run through our head:
What questions do we ask? What do we say? What do we wear? Which side of us do we allow to show through? The truth is there is no perfect outfit, no right thing to say and THE REAL YOU should always show up and be seen (presenting a false image of who you are only leads to relationships built on deceit).
As for what to ask, here are 3 questions that will help you to determine if a second date is: a) Necessary b) Desired or c) Out of the question.
1. Do you enjoy giving or receiving?
Do not be specific in what is being “given” or “received”, allow them to interpret it as they choose and answer accordingly.
Based on their interpretation of what is being given or received you will be able to weed out those simply looking for a good time, those with giving hearts and those with selfish tendencies.
2. Your favorite place to unwind?
This question helps determine if you have common interest; i.e. staying home, going to the beach, going out to dinner, going to the movies, going to amusement parks, attending concerts, etc…
3. What was the last great conversation you had and what was it about?
This questions helps you to determine 3 things:
a. Do they enjoy communicating,
b. Do they engage in interesting conversations and
c. Communicating is not something they enjoy or do well.
Again there is not perfect first date and no perfect way to be. The best you can often hope for is to have a really good time. Remember these 2 key things: 1) The best you is an open minded you and 2) don’t forget to smile, be kind and listen.
Wendy Whitmore, MS, LMFT – www.truthhealingevolution.com
I think this is a good question because it can be a bit tricky to walk the line between genuine interest and interrogation.
I think one reason it’s hard is that when you’re anxious (often felt on a first date), there can be a tendency to either come on too strong or fade into the woodwork. If anxious enough, I have been known to seriously open mouth and insert foot!
So as per my usual advice, trying to keep down the anxiety is a good strategy.
You want to be able to think; anxiety interferes with thinking. One thing to remember is that your date is probably also anxious. That’s what makes first dates so awkward. I also think a good strategy is to keep the date in perspective. This is probably not going to be the only date you’ll ever have, so the stakes aren’t really that high. Probably the most important first date agenda is for both of you to find out if there’s any reason to schedule a second date.
Some of the evaluation process isn’t even about questions. It’s about attitudes and behaviors.
Do you feel respected? Is the person on time? If there was a plan, does the person follow through? Does this person seem genuinely interested in getting to know you? Is there too much sexual focus for a first date?
I think first dates should be a combination of questions and statements.
Ask about interests. “What do you like to do in your spare time” is hardly an invasion of privacy, but if you’re outdoorsy and he’s a computer gamer that difference could be an impediment. Think about the things that are really important to you, the things that could be a deal breaker. If you’re passionate about politics, and she doesn’t share your views or even care about it, it’s good to know. Do you have season tickets to the Chargers and he doesn’t know whose playing in the Super bowl, creating a social life together could be tricky.
Try sharing some things about yourself as opposed to just asking questions.
How interested is your date is in getting to knowing you? Does conversation only flow when he’s talking about himself? That’s a bad sign.
This is my single biggest piece of advice that I share with anyone who will listen: NEVER MAKE EXCUSES FOR BAD BEHAVIOR.
There is never a reason for it, and saying you’re sorry doesn’t mean a thing. If your date is ogling other women, dump him. If he leaves you stranded while he’s texting a friend, dump him. If your date gets so inebriated that they can’t function, dump, dump, dump! If someone can’t even hold it together on the first date, how can you expect acceptable behavior moving forward?
The first date is like a job interview.
You probably won’t lead with questions about money and paid vacations (although that will ultimately be important). The first interview is about finding out as much as you can to see if the job and the applicant are a good fit. You don’t have to have all the answers; just enough to see if it’s worthwhile to take the next step.
Sally Leboy, MS, MFT – www.sallyleboymft.com
First of all, a disclaimer –there is no ‘ right’ type of answer to this question.
Each woman is completely unique and care about various things. As you’re going through this process, try and think of first dates that you’ve had previously. Were there any particular conversations that you liked or disliked? Write those down.
The second part of my answer comes in three parts:
1. Let yourself be curious and ask about what you’re most curious about
2. Ask in an open-ended manner (“What kind of foods to you like to eat?” vs. “Do you like Thai?” and
3. Be willing to ask MORE about a topic that you’re not sure about/makes you uncomfortable instead of writing the guy off right off the bat. Men can be nervous too, and he’s probably more inclined to give an impressive sounding answer rather than a real one. Help the guy out, and see what you can find out about what he really believes.
This may seem overly naïve, but what do you have to lose?
Only an opportunity practice your own tactful questioning skills in dating and also get to know someone who might turn out to be rather interesting.
Lastly, every question in a first date is a great question.
But the best thing to pay attention to during a date is not the amazing questions you ask, the equally potentially amazing answers that he gives you, but what feelings are running through you during your date.
Sharon Huey, M.S. MFTi – www.sharonhuey.com
Great questions are ones that are fun and also allow you to find out if you have common interests without getting into heavy topics.
A few of my favorites and why are:
1. “What is the best trip you’ve taken and why?”
This question lets you learn if and how they like to travel. Are they adventure seekers? Prefer fancy hotels to camping? Maybe they’ve never traveled much. No matter what the answer, it is all good information for you and it allows you to share your travel stories as well.
2. “Have you always lived in this city?”
I like this one because it can lead to many other conversations. If they have always lived in your city and so have you, you can see whom you might know in common and reminisce about growing up in your town. If one or both of you are from elsewhere, that allows for a potentially long conversation learning about all of the places they, and you, have lived and how you both ended up in your current city.
3. What do you like to do on the weekends?
The things you might learn from this question are: They party a lot, they enjoy the outdoors, they have kids and attend their events, they have a particular hobby, they work a lot, they attend a place of worship, they are sports fanatics…the possibilities are endless!
You’ll notice that none of these questions directly ask about past relationships, religion, kids, or politics, all things that can make a date feel like an interrogation. They also won’t make him feel like he’s on a job interview and they help your date have a more casual, fun tone. You can learn a lot about a person from asking these three simple questions, most importantly, whether you’d like to go out on a second date!
Megan Bearce, LMFT – www.meganbearce.com
As a therapist, I have heard countless “first date stories” from my clients.
Some of these tales were touching, some were exciting and suspenseful, and still others were quirky and unique. However, no two stories were ever the same. There is no existing framework for “how to have a perfect first date”—no magic, “one size fits all” questions to ask. At times, that thought can be frustrating. So how do you figure out what to ask?
In my professional opinion, the most important thing you can do on a first date is ask questions about the other person’s priorities and values.
Couples come to see me for all kinds of reasons, but one extremely common one is that their priorities and values don’t match up. Obviously, you’ll never find someone whose priorities and values match yours perfectly. However, asking questions pertaining to three important parts of life will help you identify any “deal breakers” early on.
Those three categories are family and friends, spirituality and religion, and work. For instance, what kinds of things does he or she like to do with friends? What do they do for a living? Did they always want to do that?
Of course, too much intense, personal questioning can make a first date feel like an interrogation.
So rather than feeling like you need to ask about all three categories really specifically, I’d suggest approaching the conversation this way. Think about your own priorities and values before you go on the date. Be prepared to ask about the other person’s, but at the same time, remember that you can get to know a lot about someone just by listening—and not just listening to their words. “Listen” to what they are saying with their body language, tone, and facial expressions when they talk about certain things. You’ll be surprised at the things you learn about each other!
Sarah Hofer, MA – www.sarahhofercounseling.com
Disclaimer: The content contained herein are not to be used as a substitute for individual therapies, professional mental health or medical services.
The first-date: the exhilaration of the possibilities and then the anxiety of it going well.
As one prepares it can be easy to get stuck on preparing the “perfect” questions. I challenge you to consider a different approach. I’ve been fortunate enough to have many male friends and clients who have often complained that a first date has felt like an interview: either being asked about their entire life history or the girl shared so much she might as well handed them her resume.
There is another way to get to know someone on a first date without having all the “perfect” questions prepared.
I invite you to focus on: listening. Listen and pay attention to what he is saying and not saying. A man will tell you a lot about who he is by what he talks about, how he talks, and how he responds. For example, does he talk about his job or talk to you about his hobbies? Does he deflect any questions by asking you to answer first?
Listen to and notice how he engages with you.
For example, listen and notice if he asks you questions. Does he interrupt you or wait until you’re finished answering. Listen to how he responds to something you’ve shared. Doe he comment about it or immediately tell another story about himself? The answers to these observations will provide insight to his personality and style of communication. What he tells you, how he tells you, and how he interacts with you will tell you a lot about him. I’m not suggesting you don’t ask questions.
Asking the occasional question to keep the conversation going or because you’re naturally curious about something is great.
You don’t want to come off disinterested or non-conversational, but allow the questions to come up more naturally. Remember, the man in front of you is just as capable and has an equal responsibility to engage with you. Give him the chance to show you he is just as willing, interested, and capable of interacting with you.
If you feel a connection then there will be more time to “really get to know him”.
For those hoping to figure it all out and avoid being hurt later from a first date; that is not realistic and sets both of you up to fail or be disappointed.
So instead listen, notice, respond, and enjoy yourself!
Laura Rinset, MS, LMFT – www.laurarinsetlmft.com
Learn Why Men Pull Away
There is a deep-seated “Gap” in communication that very few women (or men) understand.
It’s the #1 reason why men pull away.
To be truly irresistible to a man, you MUST understand this gap, and the way feelings of love get confused and entangled in a man’s mind…
During a first date, you want to get a sense of the other person’s alignment–the way they approach themselves and others.
Alignment is the repeating patterns that make up our interactions and dictate our ability to be responsive and nurturing to others.
If you focus on a few concrete questions, you may be missing the proverbial ‘forest for the trees’. Instead of asking questions that reveal facts but not necessarily personality patterns, I would instead look at some alignment markers.
Here are some to look for:
1. If you go out to eat, does he protect the wait staff, forgive little mistakes and be courteous and kind?
Or does he seem demanding, un-pleasable, critical and cold to them?
2. When you are talking, does he just wait for you to stop talking
or does he make reference to things you said earlier that show he was listening and understood what you said. I sometimes start a story and then let it drop a little just to test whether the other person picks it back up or asks me to keep going. If you give people an ‘out’ to listening to you and they take it, that can be a sign that they are not really interested in you.
3. When you say things, does he come back with a comment or story about himself all the time,
or is he able to allow the attention to be focused on you for awhile?
4. Does he give his power away, become a victim, seem like he approaches life just reacting to things that happen?
Does he put an oar in the water or just let life carry him down the river?
5. Does he have to be right all the time?
Does he ‘yeah, but’ you or come up with a counter argument for everything? Does it seem like he expects you to prove everything you say?
6. Does he dismiss you?
Making what is exciting and important to you seem less exciting and important? Do you notice that your passion expands while talking to him or does it constrict?
7. More than anything, the best way to screen a first date is trusting your gut.
Do you feel exhausted or energized at the end? Do you feel positive about yourself or bad about yourself? Do you feel empowered in positive directions or plagued with self-doubt? The way he makes you feel and the way he affects your orientation is by far the most important piece of information to have.
Brett McDonald, M.S., LMHC – www.thedragonflyretreat.com