Q. I met up with a guy I used to know 20yrs ago. His marriage was on and off then so there was no relationship just a friendship. He was a real ladies man and was pretty naughty to his wife years ago.
I contacted him in sept last year and we have met up about once a month up to now. A meal or coffee or a drink. I have been away with him over night.
He is divorced and single although his relationship ended only 2 months prior.
He is extremely busy, runs 2 big companies and on top of that his mother has been ill and just died.
I give him space, don’t contact him too much, have let him know I am there for him and he says he appreciates this.
Because of all he has been through he is not always in a good place and his head is all over.
He sometimes lets me down on things, says he’s not good company and sometimes there are emotions and complications at his end.
I know he feels like he has messed up with his life, he has told me.
I feel like I don’t want to give up on him just yet because I really like him and I know he likes me.
I feel I want to give him time to sort his head out from his relationship breakup and now his mums death.
I met him the other night for a drink and we had a great evening chatting and laughing, kissing and cuddling.
He said he had loved seeing me that evening.
My daughter says I am his monthly counseling session.
Can you give any advice?
A. I agree with your daughter and would add that you are pursuing a very toxic relationship.
Further, you are not modeling for your daughter (no matter how old she is) how to set good boundaries for herself in relationships.
You stated he is newly divorced and grieving the loss of his mom.
The question to ask is “Why am I setting myself up for heartache with a rebound relationship?”
Just because you have fun with someone once a month doesn’t mean they are good relationship material. It only means you have fun together in a once a month get together. Your rose colored glasses are causing you to see this for more than it is.
The other troubling part is that you said he “was a real ladies man and pretty naughty to his wife years ago”, how do you know he isn’t still?
Is it because he said so? I question it because he is treating you badly now. This is the beginning of a relationship when it will be the best it will ever be as everyone is on their best behavior. He has already let you down, he sounds depressed and is dumping on you, and he has let you know that you are third in his priorities behind his baggage and businesses.
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As Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are believe them”, however it seems that you are thinking when all this passes it will be different, but it won’t.
It will just be something else that is all consuming to him. This is who he is and how he conducts himself in his life, is this sort of relationship what you want? Do you want a man who has disrespectful behavior toward women, puts you further down on the list of priorities and makes the relationship all about him and his issues?
You state that you don’t want to give up on him. Why don’t you love yourself enough to realize this is a toxic relationship and that you deserve much better for yourself?
My sincere and best suggestion to you is to run from this man and really focus on loving you. I would imagine this is not the first bad choice you have made in men so it is time to do a lot of soul searching and work on raising your own esteem before setting yourself up for a broken heart.
Cynthia Pickett, LCSW
About Cynthia Pickett
Cynthia Pickett is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and a Licensed Addictions Counselor (LADC) with a thriving psychotherapy practice in Reno, Nevada. She assists in healing, adolescents, adults and families who are struggling with a variety of mental illnesses and environmental difficulties. She is an expert in drug/alcohol addictions, domestic violence and sexual trauma. Believing that psychotherapists can not provide viable solutions to clients in areas that they have yet to heal, Cynthia continues to seek guidance from Native American shamans and eastern monks to aid in her journey. In addition to her formal and informal education, Cynthia has been gifted a vision for accurately identifying emotional and behavioral patterns that are creating turmoil in individuals lives.
To know more about Cynthia, visit her website www.cynthiapickett.com.